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ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
please put your hands together for Josh Gondelman!
- [UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] - [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
[MUSIC FADES OUT]
Oh, my goodness.
Hello, everybody. Hello.
Hi, I'm supposed to say, like, "New York City!"
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
Here we are in New York City, in Tribeca, a neighborhood
- where I can't afford the coffee. [CHUCKLES] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Even the name of this neighborhood sounds rich.
Tribeca, it sounds like a couple of rich kids attempting
- to find someone to buy cocaine from. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Just, like, "Tyler's out of town, Tribeca."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Her parents work in pharmaceuticals."
We've begun.
Isn't it so nice to be here together with people, isn't that great?
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]
It just feels so good to be able to do that safely.
Even the bad parts.
Even the stuff I didn't used to like,
I now kind of have an affection for.
I was out at a bar the other night and I saw a guy kind of drinking
like he was trying to get drunk enough
to leave the YouTube comments in his heart. [CHUCKLES]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
And I thought to myself, "I don't know about that guy."
And then, I was like, wait a minute, I don't know about that guy. [CHUCKLES]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I haven't seen a guy that I haven't known about in, like, a year and a half.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Just been in my apartment, walking by my mirror, like,
"Yeah, I know that guy." [CHUCKLES]
I've been trying to clean things up a little bit.
I was drinking not "a lot" a lot, but a lot.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
A bunch of my friends last year quit drinking entirely,
which I think is a wonderful choice.
If you want to make it for your health, I think that's great.
I don't want to sound like I'm making fun,
but a bunch of my friends quit drinking altogether.
and then immediately, just started smoking weed
- all day, dawn till dusk. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- I mean, knowing my friends, noon till 2:00 a.m. and... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
That's a very relaxed vibe, right?
There's even a slang term for it that makes it sound super chill.
They call it "No booze, all weed." They call it "California sober,"
- "Cali sober." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- That's too chill for me. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I think weed does a lot of good for a lot of people.
But California sober, to me, sounds like the name
- of a Red Hot Chili Peppers cover band... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- ...that you formed in rehab. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Just like, "Yeah, I'm off the sauce, and I can kind of sing.
- "I'm basically Anthony Kiedis already. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Shaba daba bi-ba-ba-ba. It's not that hard. I can do it."
California sober. I don't think you have to drink to have a good time,
but I do think that if you're not going to... I'm from the Northeast.
Please have the decency to be a little aggressive
- and a little anxious, even if you're not drinking. - [AUDIENCE WHOOPS]
- That's just what makes me feel at ease. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I prefer to hang out with people who are like "Massachusetts sober,"
- [CHUCKLES] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And Massachusetts sober is when you're legally ordered to quit drinking...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
...because you keep crashing your car into a Dunkin Donuts.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
And then, sometimes, 17 years later, you get back together with Jennifer Lopez.
- Sometimes. It's not always, but sometimes. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
I've used my time over the last year and a half or so to reflect, right?
I had a lot of time by myself, a lot of time with just me and my wife together.
I've been trying to be a healthier person, physically and mentally.
and I have really come to terms with embracing my physique.
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
And I know even physique... Don't clap.
- It just makes it sadder. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Makes it sound like I lost an arm in a mine accident.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - So brave.
Because I do realize... I do realize physique is kind of a lofty word...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - ...for this kind of loose affiliation of carbon.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I realize, visually speaking, I have more of a phy-soosh, um...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Kind of the posture and texture of a croissant, um...
The whole thing, top to bottom.
I've been coming to terms with, coming to peace with.
I started going bald young, which I recommend,
if you're going to do that.
Started losing my hair at 19, and if you're gonna do it, do it like that.
Because when you start thinning out at 19,
- you know the man you're going to be. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
There's no chance I was going to hit 25,
be like, you know, "If I started doing crunches, grew my hair out,
- "I could be Keanu Reeves." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I hit 25, I was like, "If I do 10 or 12 bicep curls,
"and my scalp is smooth and symmetrical enough,
"I could grow into kind of a douchey thing.
- "That's the best I can do." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I recently really had this moment, I had this epiphany
where I felt so much better about my human body.
And this moment happened thanks to Jason Momoa.
Do you guys know the actor, Jason Momoa?
- [AUDIENCE WHOOPING] - Yeah.
Okay, most of you know, some people are hooting,
- they know "for real" for real. [CHUCKLES] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Some people are hollering. They're like "We know Jason Momoa.
- "He makes us say "Whoo" when he's not even here." [CHUCKLES] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Jason Momoa.
If you don't know, he was sexy Aquaman, he was on Game of Thrones.
- He looks like if The Rock opened a craft brewery. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And in the not too distant past, Jason Momoa was on vacation, which I read about.
- He didn't, like, text me. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
And during this vacation, he was jogging shirtless on the beach,
which is a very difficult exercise.
I don't even like walking on the beach.
I get 40 feet, I'm like, "I'm not gonna make it to the ocean. [CHUCKLES]
"Let's go back and find a pool."
But Jason Momoa was jogging on the beach, which is very difficult.
- It's like having a treadmill that disintegrates beneath you. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
And in these pictures that the paparazzi posted of him jogging on vacation,
he looked a little different than we're used to seeing him.
We're used to seeing Jason Momoa with the six abs, right?
- The most abs. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- Like a pan of sexy dinner rolls. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
And in these pictures, he just had kind of the one big oval ab...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - ...like a sexy loaf of bread.
And all these entertainment sites posted these pictures of Jason Momoa,
and they all had similar commentary in the headlines.
It was all like, "Jason Momoa runs on the beach,
- "rocking his dad bod." - [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
And excuse me, whose dad?
- Zeus? Is that it? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Who are we talking about?
In no world does Jason Momoa have a dad bod.
If anything, it's a you're-not- my-real-dad bod, which is...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
...the body type of the first guy your mom hooks up with after the divorce, and...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
...maybe you're not ready for her to be back out there.
But she is. So, let her have it. She raised you. She deserves to be happy.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND WHOOPING]
Thank you.
- People love moms in this crowd. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
That must have hurt Jason Momoa so much to read those headlines, right? Dad bod?
And don't get me wrong. He's not the first celebrity
to be criticized for how they look.
Women get it way worse all the time,
- but it's probably the first time it's happened to him. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Jason Momoa spent so much time keeping his muscles firm and shiny,
- which I think is part of it from all the pictures. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
And then, one day, he eats a Danish while he watches
the sun rise over the ocean on vacation.
- And now he has a dad bod? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
That must have hurt his heart.
It did make me feel amazing to read those headlines.
It did. It did. I felt incredible.
Because from time to time, I've also been told that I have a dad bod.
And now, whenever I hear that, all I can think is that I have the same body type...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - ...as Jason Momoa.
- [AUDIENCE WHOOPING] - Just a little two-man bod squad.
Two peas in a bod-pod, me and Ja-Mo.
[AUDIENCE WHOOPING AND APPLAUDING]
The only way those headlines could have been better
for my personal self-esteem, is if they continued,
"And through his shorts, we could see the outline
"of his totally normal Jewish penis with nothing to worry about at all."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Nothing to be self-conscious about... [CHUCKLES]
- "Josh." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I had a pretty gentle 2020, comparatively.
I was healthy. My immediate family was largely healthy.
I kept my job. I got to work from home,
- spent a lot of time with my wife and her fat little dog. - [AUDIENCE WHOOPS]
- Thank you. Yep. Sure. - [AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
- Fans of moms and dogs in this crowd. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Love it. Very sweet.
The worst part of my last year and a half
came just before I was fully vaccinated.
My dad had a health scare, and when I say it like that,
you should know that he's okay now.
- That's what a scare is. - [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
Sometimes, when I tell people this story, they ask me,
like, "Is he okay?" "Yeah, that's why I said, 'scare.'"
- No one says "scare" If it immediately gets worse. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
No one's ever been like, "My grandfather had a real health scare."
- "Well, then what happened?" "Well, he died." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
"But before he died, it was very scary.
"Very spooky last few days for Grandpa,
- "shaking, moaning..." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- "Pop-pop, are you turning into a zombie?" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
My dad had a health scare. He's okay now, but it was really...
It was really unnerving while it was happening.
My mom called me on a Monday night. She said,
"Josh, I have to take your father to the hospital
"because he's completely disoriented.
"He's lost touch with reality, doesn't remember our address,
"doesn't realize there's been a pandemic."
And I was like, "Oh, no"
because I have thought the same thing any one of us would think
if they heard that happen to a man of my dad's age and other demographics.
- I was like, "Oh, no, Fox News got him." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"He's come down with Hannity's disease and I don't know the cure."
But that wasn't what it was, thank goodness.
- It was just a health thing. [CHUCKLES] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
He went to the hospital and they did, like, a memory test.
They were like, "Do you know your birthday?" He said no.
They said, "Do you know what month it is right now?" He said no.
They said, "Do you know who the president of the United States is?"
And my dad was like, "Yeah, the president of the United States is Joe Biden."
And they were like, "Okay, definitely hasn't been watching Fox News."
- They... [CHUCKLES] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
They think it's a totally different guy on there.
In the clear for that, they did some more tests, some scans.
They ruled out pretty quickly that it was a stroke,
which, thank goodness. They ruled out Alzheimer's.
What they decided that this health ailment was, was amnesia.
- Yeah, which I've never heard of a person in my life having. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
And good on my dad for living such a rich, full life
- that he's just done doing regular-people stuff... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- ...and has started living out sitcom plots. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- Just real whimsical medical ailments. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
My only context for amnesia is, like, in a movie
when someone gets bonked on the head with a coconut
and forgets that they're trapped on an island.
I was talking to my mom. I was like, "Hey, have the doctors tried
- "hitting him on the head with a second coconut?" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- "That always works for Daffy Duck." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
It's a kind of amnesia called global transient amnesia,
which sounds like it just means being so wealthy.
- you forget where you own property. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- "Is the summer home on Turks or Caicos? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- "Global transient amnesia. I'm always forgetting." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- "It's terrible." Sorry, that's too much. Too much money. - [AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Don't applaud that. Don't encourage that.
It's just going to get worse from there if you do.
What global transient amnesia means is that it kind of comes on quickly,
and then, it leaves quickly. And that's what the doctors said.
They said, by the next day or the day after, he'd probably be fine.
- And that just sounds kind of fun, doesn't it? [CHUCKLES] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's like a bender without the nausea and apologizing.
- That's like "Hospital sober" is what that is. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So, I was running down this whole story for a friend,
and I told her the last thing that I learned from the doctors,
which is that, uh, they don't know what causes this.
But, sometimes, it's concurrent with a serious migraine.
So, they think it might be related.
And my friend was like, "That's interesting, Josh,
"because I was just reading a long magazine article about global transient amnesia.
"What I read is that it can also be brought on concurrently with a powerful orgasm."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[EXHALES] And I said I don't have to know all of science.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I had a totally fine explanation right at my fingertips.
And then you hit me with a way more psychologically fraught explanation.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Because I was just starting to make peace with the fact that after decades of life,
decades of love and family, my dad was starting to lose it.
But now, I also have to acknowledge
- that at the same age, my mom has still got it, and... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- Yeah. - [AUDIENCE CHEERING]
We've established you love moms.
And I think that's nice, but maybe pull it back a few notches, Mom,
- if you want Dad to remember the directions home from dinner. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
[SIGHS]
- My mom doesn't love when I tell that story. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Despite the incredibly flattering light it paints her in.
My dad has no recollection I've ever said this to anyone.
- So, that's fine. Let's move on. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I kind of just got to see family for the first time in almost a year and a half.
After I was vaccinated, I went to go home,
visit my parents, see some other relatives and friends.
I got to have lunch with my 97-year-old great aunt, which is amazing.
- [AUDIENCE WHOOPING] - Yeah.
Chances are you might have met her. She's been around a while. So...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - I assume that's what the applause was.
She's wonderful. And if you have the chance to hang out with somebody
that has that kind of life experience, you've got to jump on that.
- I mean, not literally. You'll crush her bones to dust. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
But you've got to seize that opportunity
because there's so much family history and life experience
in a person like that.
And, with a healthy 97-year-old, they're going to have a confidence
that's, like, aspirational, and you're not going to see it anywhere else on earth.
My great aunt walks around all day
- like she just won an Oscar on top of Mount Everest. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
That's just her all day long, just unbeatable swagger,
- oxygen tank. That's her whole deal. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
The hubris comes out in different ways.
We were out at lunch, we finish the meal,
the waiter comes over, he says, "Can I interest you in dessert?
"I have one dessert special to offer. It's a slice of pumpkin pie."
My great aunt looks him right in the eyes,
- a grown man... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- ...and says, "We'll have some grapes for the table." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- And the waiter says, "Grapes?" and she goes, "For the table." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
The waiter walks out of the room, presumably to quit, is what I thought was happening.
He's like, "Oh, boy, [SIGHS] better go back to law school like my dad keeps saying."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Comes back two minutes later with three giant bowls of grapes for the table.
There weren't even grapes on the menu at this restaurant.
Such is the power of 97-year-old self-esteem.
My great aunt just thought about grapes, said the word grapes.
- manifested grapes into her life. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And why wouldn't she behave like that? Why wouldn't she?
When you're 97, you don't have a lot of time to go a bunch of different places
- asking for the stuff they advertise. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
When you're 97, you go where people bring you,
you tell the nice folks there what you want in your life,
- and you make it their problem for a while. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Just like, " Oh, dessert? Yeah, I'd like some grapes for the table.
"Also stamps, hard candy, batteries, and my cholesterol medication.
"I'm 97. And you're my concierge to the universe right now.
"So, make it quick because I have Jeopardy set to DVR,
"but I don't know what that means. I have to watch it live."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND WHOOPING]
The best part of my 2020, which was not a high bar to clear...
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - The second best part was remembering
- I had leftover pizza one time. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
The best part was a friend texted me to tell me
- that she had a sex dream that I appeared in. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
It's pretty fun. That's exciting, right?
- It's nice to get out of the house... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
...even in someone else's imagination.
I was like, "Did we go to a hotel? I forget what those are like."
- [CHUCKLES] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I'm a married person. I don't want to be encouraging.
It's just a friend, right? So, I was like,
"Oh, thanks. That's funny. That's sweet"
- And she was like, "Well, wait." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
And she goes, "I had a sex dream and you appeared in it,
- "but you showed up after the sex ended." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I was like, kudos to her for having sex dreams that extend past the sex part.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - I'm impressed.
Every time I have a sexual dream, it ends abruptly
- when the sex part hits its, shall we say, zenith? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
She's over here spinning off characters into their own storylines,
like the Marvel cinematic universe.
But for me, a guy from work, and her high school boyfriend.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - And one girl she saw on a train. [CHUCKLES]
I was like, "Well, what happened?"
- Because it hurt a little bit. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
When you appear in someone's sex dream,
you want to be where the action is,
where the people are, as the Little Mermaid would say.
And, yeah, that's what she was talking about.
I said, "What happened in this dream?"
- She said, "Well, you and I had dinner plans. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- "But I was late because I was having sex. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
"And then, when I arrived at dinner, I told you and you made fun of me."
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - And I said, "That does sound like me."
- I'm doing it right now. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
And then I felt much better about the whole thing.
I felt much better. I felt good about my position in the dream.
Because when someone has a sexual dream about a person,
that's not always how they feel about that person when they're awake.
That's just their unconscious firing away while their brain rests.
I feel like half the sex dreams I've ever had,
- I've just woken up like, "Nana? Uh-oh!" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
"Better not go back to sleep because I can't risk this dream having a sequel."
I'm not ready to see 2 Nana 2 Sexy
- playing on the multiplex inside my brain. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So, today starts at 4:00 a.m. [CHUCKLES]
I texted my friend back. I said,
"What you had wasn't a sex dream where I appeared at the end.
- "What you had, I think, was a friendship dream about me... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"...with, like, a gratuitous sex scene tacked on at the beginning,
- "to keep people watching." - [AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
And it's like, this isn't Game of Thrones.
You don't have to throw in a nude scene
- just to bring people along. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Let the relationships develop. Trust your audience.
If I had to give your dream one note, it would be, trust your audience.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
And she said, "Josh, that was just a sex dream,
- "and you're turning this into a friendship nightmare." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I had way fewer friends brag to me about sex they were having
over the past year and a half, right?
Because it was all kind of illicit.
Right? If you went over to someone's house,
"I met someone on Tinder, I'm going over to their house."
- I'd be like, "Wow, when's the wedding?" [CHUCKLES] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's pandemic, super serious.
Indoors? No, that comes after park with masks,
- park with no masks. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Coffee shop next to car exhausts.
Way fewer people have been bragging about sex to me lately.
I have friends. They keep way too much track of their sexual history,
which is weird to me. That's not an important number.
You don't need to remember it for any reason.
The number of people you've slept with.
- What are you gonna make it your ATM password? - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- You've got to change it every time you meet someone new. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Just going on Bank of America dot com, just like, "No, it's 0017."
- [CHUCKLES] - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Overdrafts weren't the only thing with protection last night.
- [CLICKS TONGUE] - [AUDIENCE WHOOPING]
- Stop winking at the bank's website. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I don't know. It's just not important to keep track of.
And some people are so diligent about that,
so rigorous about that,
and so aggressive about talking about their sexual past.
I have one friend who refers to the people he slept with as his "body count".
- AUDIENCE MEMBER: No. - Oh, yeah.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Someone who is coached not to say anything during this taping
- just went, "No!" - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
That's how "No" that phrase is.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING]
Body count? Ugh. [LAUGHS]
What, did you lose your virginity at the bombing of Dresden?
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Why does sex have to include murder?
I'd never, even on my wildest night,
looked at the young woman beside me and thought,
"Wow, that was amazing.
- [BREATHES SHARPLY] "Better notify the next of kin." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"I hate this part of the job."
People are so aggressive about their sexual past, they'll have a body count.
"I'm a tiger in the sack."
Now, if you were a tiger with a body count, of several human lives,
- you would be put to sleep by a tearful zookeeper... - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- ...who blames himself as much as he blames you. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- Or herself. It's 2021. Women can do euthanasia now. - [AUDIENCE WHOOPS]
It's true. It's not necessarily progress, but it's true.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Maybe it's me. Maybe it's just my bias.
Maybe it's where I'm coming from that makes me feel this way
because I've been married for four years, together with my wife for seven.
- [AUDIENCE WHOOPING] - That's nice, right?
It's the best. But comparative to some of my friends,
I have a relatively low slumber number... [CHUCKLES]
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- ...which is what you should call that. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Makes it sound like maybe you paid for brunch the next morning.
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
I'm just saying, if my body count...
- And again, I'm sorry for using that expression. - [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES]
But if my body count was an actual body count
of human lives, I would be a monster, sure.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - A serial killer. Technically, I have a type.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- But there wouldn't be, like, a Netflix documentary about it. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
You would find out about me from, like, a link on someone else's Wikipedia page.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
And it would be red because there wouldn't be that much information.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - You click it... There wouldn't be a cool nickname, right?
- Like, Jack the Ripper or Ted Bundy. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
It would be, like, "Josh Gondelman a.k.a. The Missionary.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
"Also known as The Boston got-a-little-weird-when-she - asked-him-to-strangle-her.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- "Was not a nice person. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- "Citation needed." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
As I mentioned, I've been with my wife for seven years,
married for four. It's the best. I love it so much.
I love her so much. That's the important part, right? Yeah.
- That's the important part. - [AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
Just growing together over the years is so wonderful.
I think people give marriage a bad name.
Sometimes, they talk trash about it.
But even the little things, like, after seven years with the same person,
I now have all these incredibly strong opinions about topics I know nothing about.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- Because my wife has thoughts. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
And she shares them with me because communication
- is the bedrock of a strong relationship. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
And I love and trust her. So, now, her opinions are also my opinions.
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHS] - And what a joy to know something
- without ever having to learn it. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Here's an example. Have I ever listened to an entire album
- by recording artist, Fiona Apple from front to back? - [AUDIENCE MEMBER WHOOPS]
- Someone has. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- Okay. You're the same person from "No!" earlier. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
So, we know you're against "body counts," pro Fiona Apple,
and as a member of this audience, in favor of moms and dogs.
I think I'm [CHUCKLES] starting to create a profile.
[AUDIENCE WHOOPS]
Have I ever listened to an entire album by recording artist, Fiona Apple?
Sadly, no. I've never had the pleasure.
- I apologize to that one woman in the back. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
But do I... Do I, deep in my heart, believe that Fiona Apple is a genius?
Yeah, absolutely. That's something I think. No doubt about it.
[AUDIENCE WHOOPS]
Mmm-hmm. Yeah. Why wouldn't I?
Here's how far I'll take it.
If you don't think Fiona Apple is a genius, I think you're sexist.
- That's something I believe in my heart. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I can't prove that in any way. That's just a trust fall into my wife's brain.
It's so great being together a long time with the same person.
Seven years. Our friends have started to become friends with one another.
Our families are merging into this one loving family.
And I know of all these enemies I'm still meeting for the first time.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Because my wife has people she doesn't care for.
They don't disappear just because we got together.
Now, everywhere I go in the world,
- I just meet new people to hate, like it's the Legend of Zelda. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
Showing up at unfamiliar buildings,
fighting with people I've never seen before,
- over reasons I'm learning in the moment. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
I'll be at a work function with my wife. I'll be, like,
"Oh, the couple over there, they seemed so sweet. I was talking to them.
"They seem great. We should have brunch sometime."
- My wife's like, "Nuh-uh." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
"In 2007, she told me my haircut was 'fascinating.'"
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
And I say, "Well, I hope her car flips over on the way home."
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
- And she says, "I love you too." - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Because that's part of what love is, right?
Her enemies are my enemies. I mean that sincerely.
That was in my wedding vows.
- I'm not remotely joking about that part. - [AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
Because I feel like, if you're gonna make a vow, make it a "Vow," right?
- [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] - Revenge. That's a vow.
You can enforce it with a sword.
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
[MAKES WHOOSHING SOUND]
Richer, poorer, sickness, health. That's nice,
but I'll extend those courtesies to my landlord,
if we're being honest. [CHUCKLES]
I did. I stood in front of my wife on our wedding day and I said,
"I vow to help you destroy your enemies by means both large and small,
"over slights, including those that are imperceptible to others.
"Even me."
And then after I said that, I made hard eye contact
with her grandmother, gave her one of these because...
I don't decide who my wife's enemies are.
She's a grown woman. That's up to her, okay?
I just met you, old lady. She's my everything.
So, protect your neck, Nana. Watch yourself. You get one warning.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
Thank you. Thank you.
Interesting, love mothers, hate grandmothers. What a twist.
I can't read you, audience, and I like that. [CHUCKLES]
My wife is a big reader. She's very smart,
which I love and admire about her. I think that's so...
I just, like, really look up to her intelligence and her curiosity.
I'm medium smart.
I'm not like one of those dumb husbands from commercials. [CHUCKLES]
A guy just standing by the side of the highway in the rain on his cell phone, like,
"Honey, I locked the keys in the car and the baby's in the car with the keys
"and the car's rolling down the highway with the baby and the keys."
And the wife is like, "But, honey, we have Geico."
And then it's like, "Geico, for you and your idiot husband." [CHUCKLES]
That's not me. I'm medium smart.
My wife is very smart, though,
and the gap is widening by the day,
because every night at bedtime, we read together in bed,
side by side for half an hour, and my wife reads a book.
Whatever book she wants, I'm very progressive that way.
And I know what you're thinking,
"Josh, even a novel? But that could bring her blood to a feminine boil!"
Yeah, I know. But if my baby wants fiction, my baby gets fiction.
That's the kind of man I am.
It's 2021.
Women can read The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen if they want to. Yeah. They can.
So, we read in bed for half an hour. My wife reads a book, as I was saying.
Not the same book every night. She finishes and then she starts a new one.
I don't know why I'm explaining books to you.
After you all knew what The Corrections by Jonathan Franzen was.
If you don't know what books are by this point in the show,
we have bigger problems. [CHUCKLES]
I wouldn't even know how to explain what books are to a whole group of people,
just like, "A book. It's like a magazine, but bigger and forever." Does that help?
She reads a book, and the whole time, I'm just scrolling ceaselessly,
aimlessly through Twitter on my phone,
which is the not reading of reading now.
So, every night my wife gets 30 minutes smarter, more compassionate,
more empathetic and worldly,
and I just grow 30 minutes furious
at things I can't control and often don't understand.
Every night before bed, my wife will look at me and say something like,
"Josh, I just read the most beautiful passage
"about what it means to live a life of purpose and wonder."
And then, it's a peck on the cheek,
lights out, eyes closed, day over.
For her.
I'm still rocking and rolling.
Just staring at my phone awake and furious, like,
"Huh, interesting, because I just read that Elon Musk
"invented a $15 million laser that turns hats into visors. Scissors do that.
"Why did he invent scissors with a carbon footprint?"
And then my wife drifts off into a blissful, peaceful slumber,
while I'm just staring at the ceiling, seething like,
"Does it also turn jeans into jorts or is that a separate laser?"
I have not slept in 11 years.
I want to tell you about the moment
that I knew I wanted to be with this person forever.
I want to tell you about the moment that I knew she was my person
for my whole life and it happened on a sad day, otherwise.
It was the day of my grandmother's funeral,
and this is not about process of elimination.
That wasn't how I took Nana out of contention for potential soul mates.
Those dreams were synapses firing at random. I already told you.
It was the day of my grandmother's funeral
and my girlfriend at the time, and I, we went up to Massachusetts
from New York, where we lived, for the funeral,
and it was a very Massachusetts funeral.
My grandmother, this is 100 percent true,
she was cremated in a Tom Brady jersey.
Which is what a real fan does, right?
Some Patriots fans might have set the Tom Brady jerseys
that they had on fire when he went to the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
My grandmother was in hers at the time.
So, step up your game, other fans.
Nana Gondelman knows what's up.
She's setting the bar high.
We spent all day with family, friends of family, extended family
and just like now, it's nice to be together.
It is just so good to be around people sharing an experience together,
but it was an emotionally grueling day.
So, at the end of the day, it's about dusk,
we borrow my mom's car and we decide to head into the city from the suburbs
and have a couple drinks with some old friends.
Kind of lighten the psychic toll a little bit.
And we get in the car, and we turn on the radio.
And terrestrial radio in Boston is abysmal.
It goes up to like 1997,
jumps forward to the Dropkick Murphys song from The Departed.
And then just abruptly stops forever.
That's all they have. [CHUCKLES]
So, we turn on the radio, and the first song we hear
is the song Caress Me Down by the band Sublime.
Which is a bad song.
Sublime, overall, is kind of like
a black light Che Guevara poster that you listen to.
And Caress Me Down is specifically a tough song.
It's a story told in two languages,
and that story is, a guy sleeps with a young woman
and then he sleeps with her again in Spanish.
And the Spanish time, she gets pregnant,
and I don't know if that's racist, but it feels racist to me, so...
Caress Me Down comes on, and my girlfriend, now wife,
starts singing it super loud in my face. Like, as a joke.
This isn't where I find out she's a Sublime super fan.
She's got like, a lower back tattoo.
She's singing right in my face, just like, so aggressive.
I'm laughing so hard. It's so funny.
The lyrics are terrible.
They rhyme the words sensitivity with the word horny and...
If you're writing a love song and use the word horny, delete draft, start fresh.
Love song or any song, you can't have horny in there. Horny is not a song lyric.
Unless you're Ginuwine, in which case it is. But otherwise...
Horny is just what you put in a text message before the eggplant emoji.
So, she's singing. I'm laughing so hard. she keeps going, right.
She's just singing the whole song. She's like,
♪ Kiss me neck And tickle me fancy ♪
"Tickle me fancy." What are you, a horny pirate?
You got to walk the plank on out of this car.
I have to reevaluate things. [CHUCKLES]
So, we get into the city. We have a couple drinks with some old friends.
It's just so lovely to have this experience of like,
lightening the day a little bit with some good friends,
some old friends, people I hadn't seen in years.
But it felt like we'd been together the day before. It was wonderful.
So, we get in the car to go home after a suitable waiting period. [CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
We weren't trying to become Massachusetts sober that evening. [CHUCKLES]
And we turn on the radio. And the first song on the radio that we hear
is Caress Me Down by Sublime again.
At that point, I was like, "Have I angered a wizard?
"Do we have but a fortnight to live?
"What is this omen? What does it portend?"
And at this point it's the Spanish part of the song,
and she doesn't know any Spanish, so she's not singing.
But she's just kind of doing this dance in my face, just like, shaking her fist.
Like I just swindled her out of half a company we own together.
[IN DEEP VOICE] "Gondelman!" [IN NORMAL VOICE] Like that kind of vibe.
And I just became overcome with love for her, just like,
the lengths she's going to, to make me feel good and happy and cared for.
So, we get back to my parents' house.
We kind of creep up the stairs because it's late,
and we sneak into my bedroom, my childhood bedroom,
where we're sleeping in two twin beds, pushed together.
Like a couple from a 50's sitcom who almost figured sex out.
We get into bed and I'm so tired and we're spooning.
Which, this isn't the level that spooning happens at. [CHUCKLES]
This is like a dirty prom picture, right?
Just like "Have a good summer. Never change."
This isn't where anybody spoons.
It's down here. Traditional prom picture.
So, we're spooning.
And my girlfriend whispers so gently, so sweetly, she says,
"Josh, kiss my neck."
And I say, "Of course. Of course, I'll kiss your neck.
"Anything you want from me. You've been such a wonderful, sweet loving partner today,
"and through our whole relationship, and anything I can do
"to reciprocate the love and support you've shown me on this day and every day,
"I will do for you in a heartbeat without thinking.
"Kiss your neck, scratch your back, Rub your feet, whatever it is.
"I'm here to support you and love you the way you love me."
So, I lean in, we're spooning, and I lean in
just to put the tiniest, gentlest kiss
on the back of her neck, just a physical whisper of a gesture.
And just as my lips are about to touch down
on the back of her neck, just as they're about to... [KISSES] Right before...
She looks over her shoulder at me and goes,
♪ And tickle me fancy ♪
Guys!
[APPLAUDING]
She Caress Me Down'd me
In my childhood bedroom, on the day of my grandmother's funeral.
I don't know what they call that where you're from,
but in Massachusetts, where I grew up,
that's romance. We call that a keeper.
[APPLAUDING]
I wanted to propose marriage right then and there. I wanted to, but I didn't.
I went out. I got her the Spanish language Rosetta Stone.
And I told her I would propose after she learned all the words to our wedding song.
[CHUCKLES] That's what I told her.
[SIGHS] I've been thinking so much about, like,
the privilege of which I move through the world.
She helps me with that, right? Like, she's so smart, so thoughtful
and I just want to be a better person because of her.
I've really been considering the privilege I have,
the benefit of the doubt that I get that not everyone gets.
But I also think that there's some things that, like,
men don't have emotional access to
or don't allow ourselves emotional access to, especially straight guys.
And as a man, for example, and I know that's
kind of a red flag-ey way to start a sentence. [CHUCKLES]
Like, as a man, here's all you need to know about the Blockchain. Um...
Ha ha, 48 minutes in and this is a TED Talk about Bitcoin.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
It's not.
But as a man, like, one thing that I think would be really nice,
but I'll never have an experience of
is I'll never hear a love song with my name in it.
Probably not, right?
There aren't that many lovely songs with men's names in them.
Not every song with a woman's name in it is like, a nice song.
We've all had our Eminem phase.
But there are many, just kind of loving
sexy or tender songs with women's names in them, right?
There's Sweet Caroline, Darling Nikki.
There's no like, "Sweet Doug".
There's no "Darling Steve".
If you're hearing a man's name in a song
it's because something has gone terribly awry.
Perhaps, you're at an Irish funeral and the pipes are calling Danny Boy home.
Maybe Major Tom has been lost in space forever, and he's not coming back.
There's only one instance when you're guaranteed
to hear a song with a man's name sung lovingly.
And that is when you're listening to a song by Jason Derulo.
Because Jason Derulo makes sure to sing his own name
in all of the songs because Jason Derulo knows no one's going to do that for him.
And Jason Derulo understands you have to be the key change you want to see in the world.
To paraphrase...
♪ Mahatma Gandhi
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
You guys laughed at that. But later you'll remember this joke and think,
"Why?" [CHUCKLES]
Here's another thing. This is another thing that I really am jealous of.
Another experience that I want to have.
I'm jealous of the relationships my female friends have with their hairdressers.
Yeah, I said it.
I went there. I'm one of those comedians that shoots from the hip.
Even if what I'm saying, you're not ready to hear.
I just speak from the heart. I speak from the gut.
Triggered much? [CHUCKLES]
Because what I have to say is, I'm jealous of the relationships
my female friends have with their hairdressers. [CHUCKLES]
It's not the talking during the haircut part. That, I could take or leave.
What I want so bad, what I'm so envious of
is the part that shows up after the haircut on Instagram.
We all have female friends. Sometimes one will get a haircut.
She'll feel really good about it, want to post on Instagram.
It's always a similar genre of photography, right? It's like her
and the hairdresser in front of the salon, like they bought it together.
They're holding that day's newspaper to prove
it's not like a sneaky throwback Thursday situation.
And there's always like a sweet, warm caption underneath.
Like, "Thanks to Becca at Curls Before Wine Salon,
"for the fresh cut and color. Hashtag, New do, new you."
And then underneath, Becca, the hairdresser posts like, "Gorgeous!"
We all know what you're doing, Becca.
That's incredibly transparent, but still. It's so nice, right?
There's so much to like there. There's having a friend,
feeling good about your appearance, supporting a local business,
a lot to enjoy in that Instagram post.
As a bald white guy, [CHUCKLES]
I'll never share that experience.
I have a very different relationship with
my hair care professional, starting with the fact
that I've been going to the same dude for four years and I don't know his name.
Because he won't tell it to me. [CHUCKLES]
And I don't think that's the only secret he's keeping from me.
In fairness, he doesn't know my name either. He doesn't know what my name is.
That's 'cause he doesn't care at all.
Could not care less. And why would he?
I show up once a month, mostly forehead.
I give him $25 to make me all the way forehead.
And then I disappear for a full lunar cycle.
Why would he invest in that relationship?
It's like learning the name of a moth.
I don't even know the name of the barbershop.
That's how far it goes. I know it's a Russian spot.
I'm pretty sure it's a front for a uranium mine, but I can't prove it yet.
I didn't look up barbershops before I started going to this one.
I don't need reviews. I don't have a Yelp-worthy hairline.
Reviews are just going to slow me down of making a choice, right?
The only way to really mess up cutting my hair would be to
straight up chop my head off, is what it would take.
Even then, I'd be like, "Wow, you really went for something. Two stars there.
"That's a fascinating haircut. If we're being real."
Here's how I started going to my barbershop.
I was walking down the street in my neighborhood,
feeling a little fluffy around the back and sides.
When I don't cut my hair for a while,
I look like I'm about to invent time travel.
So, I see the spinning barber pole in the distance,
and I think, I wonder if they take walk ins.
I approach the shop, I open the door.
A guy in the back looks me in the eyes and goes,
[IN DEEP VOICE] "Yes, we do."
[IN NORMAL VOICE] And I was like, "Well, you're my barber now."
I don't care what the reviews say.
If you can read my mind, you're going to cut my hair till one of us dies.
I've been thinking about it, though,
and I think even if I had all the requisite information,
I don't think I would post about my barber on Instagram.
And it's not because I'm withholding.
I try to be generous where I can.
And it's not because there's like a machismo in play
stopping me from considering my appearance in the context of this other man.
I understand that masculinity is a prison. Even with these feeble bars.
Feeble Bars, of course, also my rap name. Um...
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
The reason I don't think I would post about my barber on Instagram
is because he seems like he has enemies.
And I don't want to be the jerk who alerts them to his whereabouts.
I just post a photo of the two of us on Instagram,
I'm smiling, feeling good about my new haircut.
He's frowning like he has been since the old country.
The address of the barbershop plainly in view.
I post underneath like, "Thanks, big guy"
because that's what you do when you don't know a dude's name, right?
You assure him that he's physically larger than you.
"Thanks, big guy. Thanks, boss."
Now he's in charge of me at work for some reason.
"Thanks for the usual business up top. Hashtag, Same do, same me, I guess."
And then underneath, a guy named Dimitri, I've never seen before in my life just posts,
[IN RUSSIAN ACCENT] "Sergei, I've found you at last.
"Your days are numbered. Also...
♪ Gorgeous
[APPLAUDING]
[IN NORMAL VOICE] It's like, I'll take that compliment.
You have no reason to lie. [CHUCKLES]
I want to tell you a story, before I go, about my wedding,
and it's a good story. It's about the second-best moment of my wedding.
And I should say, I should set the stage by saying our wedding was really fun.
It was like, a little unconventional. We didn't let anyone speak.
[CHUCKLES SOFTLY]
Not like, overall. Like, it wasn't like, a hipster meditation wedding.
We weren't like, "No vows, just vibes, brah."
We didn't let anyone give toasts because I feel like
half the toasts you're going to hear at any wedding are going to be terrible, right?
Often, from men.
Because again, I don't think that's something a lot of straight guys,
we give ourselves this emotional access to,
to be tender with our friends, so it just comes out real aggressive.
Bridesmaids' speeches, almost always, really great, right?
They're all very similar, but they're all very lovely.
Every bridesmaid's speech is like, "Lisa, first of all, you are a goddess.
"That white dress, I can't even right now.
"You are like a living, breathing Beyonce.
"Hashtag flawless. Hashtag woke up like that.
"And it is so beautiful to be here with you while your childhood dream comes to life,
"just the way the Ouija board said it would when we were nine years old.
"Congratulations. I love you so much."
Then, they kiss with tongue. Women do that when they're friends.
It's not a big deal. No stigma. Just pals being pals.
It's nicer that way.
Every groomsman speech I've ever witnessed may as well have been delivered
by the groom's worst enemy on planet Earth.
Every dude comes out just like, "Hey, Matty!
"Fat Matt.
"Count Crapula. See, we call him that because one time in elementary school,
"he pooped his pants on Halloween in a Dracula costume.
[LAUGHING] "Remember that? I know you do, Count.
[LAUGHS LIKE THE COUNT]
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
"Anyways, I never thought you was going to be married.
"I never thought you were going to be married.
"I swear to God, never thought in a million years.
"I always assumed you would have died years ago
"while having sex with a candle up your microwave.
"That's just what I thought was gonna happen.
"What? You said be honest. I'm talking from the heart.
"Shut up, Fitsy. Let me finish. I'm being nice. It's a funny story.
[SIGHS]
"This guy.
"Anyways, I don't know whether you've got, like,
"some kind of cage you keep this woman in at night.
"Or like a complicated financial arrangement
"that makes it difficult for her to flee you but...
"Either way, bro, you locked it down. So, congratulations.
"No homo. Where the bridesmaids at?"
And that's every groomsmen's speech I've ever witnessed.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
And every single time, I'm like, "That guy is the best man?
"He's the best one of those you've ever met?
"What are your other friends, scarecrows full of bees?
"Your life has been a nightmare."
So, before I go...
I just want to leave you with this story about the second-best moment of my wedding.
The best moment, not a great story.
My wife and I found a quiet place after the ceremony.
We took each other aside and we whispered to one another
our Social Security numbers.
Traditional Jewish wedding, right? You...
You break a glass, you whisper the Social Security numbers.
L'chaim. Mazel tov.
The best moment, not a great story.
The second best moment, that's where the story is.
It was an encounter that my wife and I had on the dance floor
with a Michael Jackson impersonator.
And I can feel it in this room. There's a little tension.
As if some of you are thinking, why...
don't more weddings have a Michael Jackson impersonator?
And I got to tell you, it took our event to the next level. I'll tell you that.
We didn't set out trying to have a Michael Jackson impersonator at the wedding.
Honestly, it's a phrase I'm scared to Google.
It wasn't architecture, it was serendipity.
What happened was, we hired a DJ,
and on the day we met with him, to chat about what we wanted on the playlist,
what the ceremony was going to be like.
the DJ hears out this whole conversation.
He waits for the conversation to conclude and he says to us, very cool, very smooth,
"You know...
"in addition to my DJ services...
"I also do Michael Jackson.
"Would you like me to do that at the wedding?"
And I'm kind of a people pleaser. So...
I was like, "Yeah, absolutely. We want you to do that at the wedding. For sure."
And in my defense, whatever he was going to do was going to be awesome, right?
I don't know whether he was going to dangle a baby over a balcony,
or turn our backyard into an amusement park. But whatever he was going to do,
unless it's the one thing, it was going to be awesome and...
This was post-rumor, pre-documentary, if you're wondering.
Kind of a gray area, morally,
for having a Michael Jackson impersonator at your wedding.
So, cut to the day of the ceremony.
It's now midway through the reception,
and he steps out, the DJ steps out from behind his equipment,
and he puts on a red leather jacket and a silver rhinestone glove.
And we have told no one this is going to happen.
This is our gift to the guests.
They're giving us a toaster or something.
We're sending them home with a memory that will last a lifetime.
Here's how he starts.
He goes, "Ladies and gentlemen..."
The stones on his glove are like blinding my elderly relatives.
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have a surprise for the bride and the groom.
"I told them about this a few weeks ago,
"but I'm pretty sure they've forgotten by now."
And I was like, "Does this guy think that I forgot
"when he told me he was going to impersonate Michael Jackson at my wedding,
"the single most memorable sentence anyone has ever spoken to me?"
Including, at this point in the evening, "I do, by the way.
So, he's positioned my friend Will
behind the DJ table. He says, "Will, hit it."
Will hits it.
And Billy Jean comes on, full blast,
which is a great song, but not for a wedding.
More of a paternity test anthem, if you're familiar with the song.
But you don't make a playlist for those occasions.
You drive in silence.
But he's so good. He's got the hands. He's got the feet.
I know I'm doing neither. The hands, nor the feet but...
It was terrific. You have to believe me.
I was there. You weren't. Trust me on this.
He's so good.
All the guests are gathered around in a circle.
The circle is tightening and the crowd is
lukewarm at best, I will say. [CHUCKLES]
That's the sad but true fact of the evening.
People weren't super into it. Part of it was on him.
Part of it was his fault. Like, he didn't look a lot like Michael Jackson.
Like, he was Black, which didn't help.
Uh... [CHUCKLES]
It's a crowd full of old Jews. They're picturing new Mike, not Mike classic.
You've got to read the room, dude.
Do what the people are going to like.
If he put on a fake goatee, black leather jacket and done Billy Joel,
my mother would have thrown her underpants at him.
My dad would've started singing along, right? [CHUCKLES]
So, here's the moment. The second-best moment of the whole night.
He dances over to us.
To me and my wife, and he's put these two plastic
like, party city fedoras, one on each of our heads
to kind of heighten the ambience of fake Michael Jackson.
So, he dances over to us and he takes the hat off my head
and he whispers into my ear.
He puts the hat back on my head.
He whispers again, and then he dances away.
And everyone's watching. All my friends and relatives,
all my wife's friends and relatives because it's our wedding
and we're standing together on the dance floor,
talking to a man dressed as
and dancing in the style of the late Michael Jackson. [CHUCKLES]
So, everyone approaches me.
All my friends and family approached me after the song ends,
and they all have questions.
A lot of the same questions.
A lot of, "Hey, Josh, what was that about? [CHUCKLES]
"What was that guy doing? What was he saying?
"Was it advice? Was it wisdom? Was it a quiet, out loud
"Michael Jackson impression he wasn't ready to go wide with yet?"
Just like, [WHISPERING] "Come here, come here. Come here. Come here."
[MIMICS MICHAEL JACKSON SHRIEK] "Is that what it was?"
It was not.
Here's what happened.
He dances over to us.
He takes the hat off my head, he whispers into my ear.
"The hat lights up."
He hits the button on the hat four, five, six times.
The hat does not light up. [CHUCKLES]
He puts the hat back on my head, whispers,
"The hat used to light up" and then moonwalks across the entire room.
And that was the second best moment of my wedding.
So, it was a pretty good wedding.
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]
My wedding song was not Caress Me Down,
but I think we can all agree it was sublime. [CHUCKLES]
Thank you so much. Thank you for coming out.
It's been so good to be here with you.
Thank you so much. It was such a real pleasure I really appreciate it.
- Thank you, all. - [APPLAUDING]
Oh, get out of here. No, that's...
I'm going to back away slowly.
Thank you, all.
[AUDIENCE CHEERING]